If there's one gaggle of 'musicians' I loathe more than those dirtbags down at Vampire Weekend, it's the syphilitic duo known as Crystal Castles. Fronted by pseudo enigma and general ugly bitch Alice Glass (her real name is obviously something like Gladys Prole), this unreal tripe is truly an insult to anyone with functioning ears. You know what, it's an insult to everyone, functioning ears or no. I reckon even deaf people can feel the shit in the vibrations. Basically some cunt has discovered how to make Super Mario sounds on his little machine and thought "Yeah, people will go for that." Soon after he discovered young Glass, who's talk-warbling fitted perfectly with his not-fit-for-contra video game shite. Glass is quoted as saying that she ran away from home at the age of 14 due to an existential crisis. Are you having me on, Glass? Are you actually having me on? Any 14 year old who claims to be having an existential crisis needs a swift jaw realigning with a spikey iron glove.
After she willingly moved out of her house to join the echelons of drug addicts, tramps and rapist alcoholics, she was discovered by SNES brained, mentally quadraplegic arse Ethan Kath. Together they were to spawn the worst thing to happen to music since... Well, just the worst thing to ever happen to music, ever.
Crystal Castles' one song that I've managed to stomach a minute of without jamming sharp pencils in my ears, "Crimewave" is as much of a pretentious flapping as the name suggests. Lacklustre lyrics coupled with just the worst vocals that literally sound like a robot trying to force a spanner out of itself, and of course, a sub par Nintendo inspired backing track all make for a revolting display of anti-talent.
Basically, I don't like Crystal Castles. D:<
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