Vampire Weekend: Dog Shit Sandwich?

As this blog seems to be slowly degenerating into some sort of unnecessarily vindictive and crass archive of unfair criticism, I feel it's only appropriate to mention another one of the bands I hate. Shit, I'm in too deep now, eh? Might as well continue.

So, next on my list is Vampire Weekend. As if the name wasn't enough fodder for you to deduce that these dicks are just (an incredibly homoerotic) foursome of clueless prats then maybe you should go back to school and redo your Year 6 English SATs because you are obviously retarded. I'm already sick of typing Vampire Weekend so from here on in I'll refer to them as 'The Shits'.

Let me just clarify that I have no personal problems with The Shits, my thinking that their music is the audible equivalent to Hiroshima has nothing to do with them as people. This differs to my opinions expressed in my article about Crystal Castles, who I'm sure are just the worst kind of Mephistos jizz.

Where The Shits really yank my scrot is with their monotonous sound. Monotonous, simplistic sound does work sometimes, don't get me wrong, but when that sound is the sound of a thousand Venezualan tramps scratching their long, dirty fingernails on a thousand different chalk boards, accompanied by a banshee orchestra, then I find it to be a less than pleasurable listening experience. Arguably The Shits' most popular song, 'A-Punk', is a perfect example of their inability to A. create a varied and interesting sound, and B. create a sound that doesn't make me want to tear off my arse and suffocate my self with my own buttocks.

Usually I would forgive a band for releasing a song like this, but with The Shits, it's every fucking song. I don't know why they do it. I'm not going to lie, when I heard they had a new song out, aside from my obvious feelings of impending doom at the prospect of it becoming popular, I had a vague sense of hope. Maybe The Shits have cleaned up their act? Maybe they're producing something of interest that doesn't remind me of simultaneous flushing bogs?

Alas, no. 'Horchata' was terrible. Arfican drums interspersed with tacky synth and lead singer Ezra Koenig's bile inducing vocal work make for, yet another, painfully shit song. Only a few days ago I heard their first official new single, 'Cousins'. Do you even need me to tell you what I think? Go and listen to it, it barely qualifies as music, as if they went into the studio, threw the drum kit at the microphone and got a 12 year old novice guiutarist who's heavy into high pitched thrash solos to guest on the track, then 'Cousins' is what you'd get.

Fuck you, The Shits, you're making my life worse than it needs to be.